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Jokes about animals.

16 Jokes to “Animals”

  1. Just a joke Says:

    Question: What Has Webbed Feet And Fangs.
    Answer: Count Quackula

  2. Just a joke Says:

    A rabbit and a bear are taking a dump in the woods.

    The bear turns to the rabbit and asks, “Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?”

    The rabbit says, “No, of course not!”

    So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit!

    (a little bit tasteless, I agree)

  3. Anonymous Says:

    No really a joke but tells a lot about cat owners.

    How many “yes” answers you get?

    1. Do you feed your cat tidbits from the table with your fork?

    2. Do you select your friends based on how well your cats like them?

    3. Does your desire to collect cats intensify during times of stress?

    4. Do you sleep in the same position all night because it annoys your cats when you move?

    5. Do you think it’s cute when your cat swings on your drapes or licks your butter?

    6. Do you admit to non-cat owners how many cats you really have?

    7. Do you kiss your cat on the whiskers?

    8. Do you buy more than 60 dollars of cat litter a month?

    9. Does your cat sleep on your head?
    10. Do you like it?

    11. Do you have more than four opened but rejected cans of cat food in the refrigerator?

    12. Do you give your cat presents and a stocking at Christmas?

    13. Will you stand at the open door indefinitely in the freezing rain while your cat sniffs the door, deciding whether to go out or come in?

    14. Do you watch bad TV because the cat is sleeping on the remote?

    15. Do you put off making the bed until the cat gets up?

    16. Would you rather spend a night at home with your cat than go out on a bad date?

  4. Chicken Says:

    Why did the chicken cross the road?

    Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.

    O.J. Simpson: Absolutely one-hundred percent unsure.

    Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.

    Albert Camus: It doesn’t matter; the chicken’s actions have no meaning except to him.

    Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.

    Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

    Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn’t cross the road; it transcended it.

    Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2001, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.

    Louise Woodward: Because it wouldn’t shut up!! SHUT UP!!

    Martin Luther King Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

    Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.

    Jack Nicholson: ’cause it f*****g wanted to. That’s the f*****g reason.

    Fox Mulder: It was a government conspiracy

    George Orwell: Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests.

    Plato: For the greater good.

    The Pope: That is only for God to know.

    Ronald Reagan: I forget.

    Colonel Sanders: I missed one?

    Barry Scheck: Were you there? WERE YOU?? Did you see that chicken cross that road? Well?? DID YOU???

    Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn’t anyone ever think to ask, “What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?”

    Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I’ve not been told!

    Homer Simpson: Mmmmm. Chicken.

    Grandpa: In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

    Kindergarten Teacher: To get to the other side.

    B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences, which had pervaded its sensorium from birth, had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.

    Oliver Stone: The question is not, “Why did the chicken cross the road?” Rather, it is, “Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?”

    Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.

  5. Anonymous Says:

    Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, “Jesus is watching you!”
    Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward.
    “Jesus is watching you,” the voice boomed again.
    The frightened burglar stopped dead. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
    He asked the parrot, “Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?”
    “Yes”, replied the parrot.
    The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot, “What’s your name?”
    “Clarence,” said the bird.
    “That’s a dumb name for a parrot,” sneered the burglar. “What idiot named you Clarence?”
    The parrot said, “The same idiot who named the doberman Jesus.”

  6. catman Says:

    A man took his dog to the vet “Doctor,” he said, “I think my dog is dead”. The doctor laid the dog on the table and reached down and took a cat out of a box. The cat walked all over the dog and the dog didn’t move.
    “Yes, your dog is dead,” says the doctor.
    “How much do I owe you?” the gentleman asks.
    “235 dollars” says the doctor.
    “235 dollars!?” the gentleman asks.
    “Yes. $35 for the office visit and $200 for the cat scan.”

  7. hahahaha Says:


  8. Anonymous Says:

    A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. He walks up to the bar and takes a seat, the giraffe does the same. The man orders a beer for himself and a double scotch for the giraffe. They both proceed to drink and after a while they order the same again. They continue all night, ordering the same drinks, drinking them and ordering another load untill suddenly the giraffe falls off his stool and lies unconscious on the floor. The man gets up of his stool and heads for the door, The barman shouts at him as he heads out the door ‘You can’t leave that lyin’ ‘ere!’ to which the man replies, ‘Its not a lion its a giraffe!

  9. You dun nid 2 know Says:

    A first grade teacher was telling her class about the three little pigs. She got to the part where the pigs get the building materials and said, “The
    first little pig went up to a man and asked, ‘Excuse me sir, but may I have some straw to build a house?’”
    The teacher wanted to know if the class was paying attention so she asked, “What do you think the man said?”
    One boy raised his hand and answered, “I think maybe the man said something like,
    “Holy crap! A talking pig!”

  10. Anonymous Says:

    3 women died in a car accident and went to Heaven. St Peter meets them at the Gates and welcomes them: “you can do as you please in Heaven, just don’t step on any ducks.”

    The women are puzzled but proceed into Heaven. Looking around, they notice there are ducks everywhere. In a matter of minutes, one of the women steps on a duck.

    Saint Peter walks up to the woman with a hideously ugly man. Saint Peter shackles the man and the woman together and says, “for stepping on a duck, you have to spend eternity chained to this ugly man.”

    The other 2 women are shocked but go about their business until, sure enough, another woman steps on a duck. Immediately Saint Peter comes and shackles her to an another ugly man.

    The last woman tries desperately to not step on a duck. After a couple of months of not stepping on any ducks, Saint Peter walks up to the woman accompanied by a really handsome man. He shackles the woman to the man and after a while, the woman being thrilled to be chained to such a handsome man, says “I don’t know what I did to deserve this.”

    The man replies, “I don’t know what you did lady, but I stepped on a duck.”

  11. TVU Says:

    A school teacher decided to see how many of the urban kids
    knew what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to put their
    hands up if they knew the correct sound.

    “Who knows what sound a cow makes?” she asked.
    Cindy put her hand up and said “Mooo!”

    “Very good” replied the teacher,”what sound do sheep make?”
    “Baaa” answered Jim.

    She continued this for a while.

    Then she asked, “What sound does a pig make?” All the hands in the
    class went up. She was surprised at the response. She chose Little
    Mark at the back of the class. He stood up, took a deep breath, and
    screamed, “Up against the wall mutha-fucka!!”

  12. Anonymous Says:

    Painted with old lamp standard and floral hanging baskets that characterize downtown Victoria, BC.

    Price: $10.00 each, includes postage. $12.00 for midlands (spangled, not pictured)

  13. doctors order Says:

    A doctor went into a bar to have a drink and
    he ordered a daiquiri and he said to the bartender
    “Instead of adding a olive put in a hickory nut”
    and then the bartender says “that’s an odd one but okay doc”.
    The bartender makes the Decker, and when he returns he says
    “Here’s your hickory daiquiri doc!”

  14. Anonymous Says:

    A woman went into a butchers shop to buy a chicken.
    The butcher produced a bird.
    But the woman said “have you one a little larger?”
    Knowing it was the only chicken he had
    the butcher went into a back room and
    plumped up the bird!
    “How’s this one?” asked the butcher.
    “That’s much better” replied the woman
    “Now, I’ll take both”

  15. Anonymouse Says:

    Why does the first squirell fall out off the tree?Because his dead.
    Why does the second squirell fall out off the tree?Because his asleep.
    Why does the third squirell fall out off the tree?Because he thinks its a joke.
    Why does the tree fall down?Because he thinks his a squirell.

  16. Anonymous Says:

    Q:Why did a one hand monkey cross the road
    A:To get to a second-hand shop

    Q:What do you call an Ant that can count money?
    A:an Account-Ant

    Q:Why are cooks so cruel?
    A:Coz they beat eggs and whip cream

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