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Jokes about army and soldiers. There are many kind of armies but all together they have same basic idea. Strict rules, hierarcy and stupid ordes.

21 Jokes to “Army”

  1. Dogface Says:

    The physical training instructor was drilling a platoon of soldiers.

    “I want every man to lie on his back, put his legs in the air and move them as though he were riding a bike,” he explained. “Now begin!”

    After a ten minutes, one of the men stopped.

    “Why did you stop! Carter?” asked the officer.

    “If you please, sir,” said Carter, “I’m freewheeling for a while.”

  2. Dogface Says:

    The problem with the Iraqi army is that they are using Russian defense tactics:

    -> Engage the enemy.

    -> Draw them into your territory.

    -> Wait until winter sets in.

  3. Dogface Says:

    Do you know what Marine stands for?

    Muscles Are Required Intelligence Not Essential

  4. Oh God! Says:

    Question: How do you play Iraqi bingo?

    Answer: B…52…F…16…B…52

  5. tasteless Says:

    There’s a Marine, an Airforce Commando, a Navy Seal and a Green Baret sitting around a campfire telling each-other how mean and tough they are.

    The Marine says – “I can swim 40 miles and bite the head off a live chicken. One Marine is worth 6 other men.”

    The Airforce Commando says – “I can clear runways one-handed and kill a man with my bare hands. One Airforce Commando is worth 12 other men.”

    The Navy Seal says – “Yeah? Well I can dive up to 80 feet without air, and I’m an expert in demolitions. One Navy Seal is worth 16 other men.”

    The Green Beret just sat there all this time saying nothing, stirring the fire with his dick.

  6. song Says:

    Join The Marines!

    it is signup day..
    heard it there upon the radio
    serving in any state it’s fun, oh!
    Our mothers cried
    Sail along, who’d blame them
    Now you’re grown, so grown, now I must say more than ever…join the marines!
    tour the, tour the, tour the U.S.A!
    And we can sail just like our fathers

    Join the marines, oh I swear (what he means)
    At this moment, the draft is opening up.
    to a code we must dress, and i must now confess
    i’m shipworthy
    Ah join the marines!

    join the marines..

    sent from state to state,
    to serve Uncle Sam,
    with scurvy smells.
    you don’t even work hard here.
    But not us (no never), no not us (no never)
    We are far too young and clever
    tour the, tour the, tour the U.S.A
    Marines, they’ll sing this song forever

    join the marines oh I swear (what he means)
    Ah come on, let’s give it our everything
    to a code we must dress – Marines (tell him yes)
    Ah come on let’s, Ah join the marines

    Come on! join the marines, oh yeah!
    Come on! join the marines, oh yeah!
    Now you are grown. (Tour the..tour the) Now you have shown. (Tour the..tour the U.S.A)
    Oh..marines…Say..come and do..(Come on, join the Marines, oh yeah)
    Now I must say more than ever. (tour the U.S.A)
    Things ’round here will change (tour the, tour the U.s.A)
    tour the, (Join the marines, oh yeah!) tour the, tour the U.S.A (tour the, tour the U.S.A)

    Join the marines, oh I swear (what he means)
    At this moment, the draft is opening up.
    to a code we must dress, and i must now confess
    i’m shipworthy
    Ah join the marines!

    Join the marines, oh I swear (what he means)
    At this moment, the draft is opening up.
    to a code we must dress, and i must now confess
    i’m shipworthy
    Ah join the marines!

  7. aLifarsi Says:

    edsadsadfhgdszq efs

  8. sathyamurthy Says:

    hi funy jocks

  9. la Says:

    anong tawag sa plural form ng rice?


    h di, EXTRA RICE!

  10. ka eddy Says:

    anong pinaka mabahong puno sa balat ng lupa? icp icp“` common sence puno na may tae

  11. ka ima Says:

    anong pinaka matigas na tae sa balat ng lupa??


    d ba tae ng robot“

  12. air man Says:


    Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

    It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones’s sales pitch.

    Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: “If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $250,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don’t have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $7000.”

    “Now,” he concluded, “which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?”

  13. ALAN Says:

    SOILDER IM HIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  14. Anonymous Says:

    General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall. They both walk around the place, and McKenzie asks: “So how are your men?”

    “Very well trained, Gral. McKenzie.“

    “I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they’re the bravest men all over the country.” “Well, my men are very brave, too.”

    Army officer

    “I’d like to see that.”

    So Marshall calls private Cooper and says: “Private Johnson! I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!”

    “Are you crazy? It’d kill me, you idiot! I’m out of here!” As private Johnson ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said:

    “You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general.”

  15. You dun nid 2 know Says:

    A squad of Marines were driving up the highway between Basra and Baghdad. They came upon an Iraqi soldier badly injured and unconscious. Nearby, on the opposite side of the road, was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.

    The Marine was conscious and alert. As first aid was given to both men, the marine was asked what had happened.

    The Marine reported, “I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway. Coming south was a heavily armed Iraqi solder.”

    “What happened then?” the corpsman asked.

    “I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable piece of s**t, and he yelled back, ‘Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld are miserable pieces of s**t.'”

    “We were standing there shaking hands when a truck hit us.”

  16. General Electrick Says:

    Runsack’s Rules. (Runsack Rules!)

    1. No matter how carefully you pack, a rucksack is always too small.
    2. No matter how heavy, a rucksack will never contain what you want.
    3. No matter how small, a rucksack is always too heavy.
    4. No matter what you need, it’s always at the bottom.

  17. Real Sergeant Says:

    * Are convinced that “wall-to-wall” counseling really works.
    * Aren’t afraid of the Chinese, who probably don’t have enough rowboats to invade Taiwan.
    * Believe that “Nuts” wasn’t all that Brigadier General McAuliffe said to the Germans at Bastogne.
    * Believe that they do have a rendezvous with destiny.
    * Can cuss for 10 minutes without ever repeating a word.
    * Can play a cherry Lieutenant like a finely tuned instrument.
    * Can run five miles with a hangover.
    * Can see in the Dark.
    * Can tell you anything you want to know about an M1911A1 although they are no longer in the inventory.
    * Do not fear women in the military.
    * Don’t believe a darn thing the Iraqis say.
    * Don’t believe that AAFES really needs a “commander”.
    * Don’t blame poor marksmanship on their M-16.
    * Don’t give a damn about being politically correct.
    * Don’t know how to be politically correct.
    * Don’t know how to use a “stress card”.
    * Don’t need a GPS to find themselves.
    * Have a spine.
    * Have enough BDU’s in their closet to start a surplus store.
    * Have eyes in the back of their heads.
    * Have more time on the front-line than most others have in the chow line.
    * Idolize John Wayne.
    * Know how to make coffee when the measuring scoop goes missing.
    * Know how to properly construct a field latrine.
    * Know that inept leaders will always say they have inept soldiers.
    * Know that it’s not good coffee when you can see through it.
    * Love deployments because there is less paperwork and more “real work.”
    * Might admire the Germans, but still realize they got their butts kicked twice.
    * Really don’t like taking S##T from those who haven’t “been there”.
    * Still don’t trust the Russians.
    * Still hate the French.
    * Still know how to use a buffer.
    * Think that “politically correct” should fall under S##T in the UCMJ.
    * Think that MRE’s taste good (with a little hot sauce).
    * Would have paid money to see Custer getting his clock cleaned.
    * Would like to date G. I. Jane.
    * Would rather be OPFOR than MOPP 4.

  18. military joke Says:

    The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 400-man elite
    fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces. These
    Arkansas, Alabama, Missouri, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Oklahoma and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been
    given only the following facts about terrorists:

    – The season opened today.
    – There is no limit.
    – They don’t like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
    – They taste just like chicken.
    – They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
    – Their favorite movie is “BROKE BACK MOUNTAIN.”

    We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Saturday.

  19. modern military terms Says:

    Surgical Strike: “to blow up something small.”

    Engage the Enemy: “to blow something up.”

    Collateral Damage: “to accidentally blow up something of theirs.”

    An Asset means “something that can be blown up”

    Friendly Fire: “to accidentally blow up something of ours.”

    Target of Opportunity: “to blow something up on a whim”

    Kinetic Targeting: “to blow up something that’s moving”

    Ordnance means “something that that does the blowing up”

    Embedded Media: “a report that’s blown out of proportion”

    Decapitate: “to blow up their leaders.”

  20. haqe Says:


    very nice jokes. Thanks!


  21. who Says:

    Two soldiers was touring a shipyard area in a coastal city of Germany when they saw a strange looking craft. They stopped and asked a worker, “Sir, is that a U-boat?
    “No,” he said, “it belongs to the goverment.”

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