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Computers

Jokes about computers. They are pain in the ass. Letโ€™s revenge, letโ€™s insult them! They will get what they are asking for!

12 Jokes to “Computers”

  1. pro grammer Says:

    A little bit old but still funny:

    Thirty Signs That Computer Technology Has Taken Over Your Life:

    – Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you return with a rest for your mouse.

    – Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty’s address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write *is* letterhead.

    – You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.

    – You think of the gadgets in your office as “friends,” but you forget to send your father a birthday card.

    – You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can’t because there isn’t one typewriter in your house — only computers with laser printers.

    -You disdain people who use low baud rates.

    – When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers — and you butt in to correct him and spend the next 20 minutes answering the customers’ questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.

    – The thought that CD could refer to investment finance or music rarely enters your mind.

    – You use the phrase “digital compression” in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.

    – You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase “digital compression.” Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don’t have to explain it.

    – You stop saying “phone number” and replace it with “voice number,” since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.

    – You sign Christmas cards by putting ๐Ÿ™‚ next to your signature.

    – You back up your data files every day.

    – You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your car tires.

    – You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.

    – On vacation, you are reading an Unix manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.

    – You are able to argue persuasively that Ross Perot’s phrase “electronic town hall” makes more sense than the term “information superhighway,” but you don’t because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.

    – You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. However, you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.

    – Al Gore strikes you as an “intriguing” fellow.

    – You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.

    – You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it’s okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling.

    – You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a-quarter and three-and-a-half inch sizes.

    – You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.

    – While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.

    – You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say “I don’t know” when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.

    – You own a set of itty-bitty screwdrivers and you actually know where they are.

    – You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don’t use a laptop.

    – You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better: the track ball or the track pad.

    – You email this message to your friends over the net. You’d never get around to showing it to them in person or reading it to them on the phone. In fact, you have probably never met most of these people face to face.

    12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than ๐Ÿ™‚

  2. Why Computers Must be Female Says:

    *No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
    *The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
    *As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
    *Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.
    *Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
    *The statement, “Bad filename or command ,” is about as informative as, “If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you.”

  3. Why Computers Must be Male Says:

    -They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
    -They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
    -They’ll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons. ๐Ÿ˜ฎ
    -In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
    -Big power surges knock them out for the night.
    -They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
    -As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.
    -It is always necessary to have a backup.
    -The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
    -The lights are on but nobody’s home.
    -Size does matter. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  4. How to mess with people in computer lab. Says:

    1 If you’re sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” whenever there is processing time required.
    2 Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $3. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say “Oops, I forgot.”
    3 Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.
    4 Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, humits note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.
    5 Attempt to eat your computer’s mouse.
    6 Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it’s set up with.
    7 Borrow someone else’s keyboard by reaching over, saying “Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?”, unplugging the keyboard & taking it.
    8 Bring a chainsaw, but don’t use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say “Just in case…” mysteriously.
    9 Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it’s the computer and look really lost.
    10 Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.
    11 Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.
    12 Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim “You’re such a marvel!!”, and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.
    13 Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.
    14 Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.
    15 Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they’re crazy while typing.
    16 Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray “Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease,” and scream “YES!” when it finishes.
    17 If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor’s keyboard as you leave.
    18 “DISK FIGHT!!!”
    19 Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.
    20 Laugh hysterically, shout “You will all perish in flames!!!” and continue working.
    21 Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
    22 Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.
    23 Log on, wait a second, then get a frightened look on your face and scream “Oh my God! They’ve found me!” and bolt.
    24 Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn’t affected). Then look at your neighbor’s keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: “Does *your* delete key work?” Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you’ve deleted about a page of your neighbor’s document. Then, suddenly exclaim: “Well, whaddya know? I’ve been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn’t deleting! Ha!” Print out your document and leave.
    25 Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
    26 Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
    27 Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell “COVEEEERRRRR!” peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. “Oh, good. It worked this time,” and calmly start to type again.
    28 Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.
    29 Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn’t work.
    30 Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.
    31 Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.
    32 Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say “Give me that computer or you’ll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week”.
    33 Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer’s Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)
    34 Run into the computer lab, shout “Armageddon is here!!!!!”, then calmly sit down and begin to type.
    35 See who’s online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you’ve known them all your lives. Hang up before they get a chance to figure out you’re a total stranger.
    36 Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.
    37 Stare at the person’s next to your’s screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say “You did that?” loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.
    38 Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to grinding. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.
    39 Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).
    40 Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.
    41 Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 disc drive, when it doesn’t work, get the supervisor.
    42 Two words: Tesla Coil.
    43 Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.
    44 Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.
    45 Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don’t know.
    46 When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.
    47 When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.
    48 When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can’t get the damn thing to work. After he/she’s turned it on, wait five minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.
    49 Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
    50 Write a program that plays the “Smurfs” theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.

  5. Anonymous Says:

    God called a meeting of Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin and Bill Gates and said: “I’ve given you all the tools you needed to make a better world – you’ve blown it and I’m ending the world in two weeks.”
    Bill Clinton went on TV and said “I have good news and bad news. The good news is that God exists. The bad news is that the world will end in 2 weeks.”

    Boris Yeltsin called his advisors together and said “I have bad news and really bad news. The bad news is that God exists. The really bad news is that the world will end in 2 weeks.”

    Bill Gates called his co-workers together and said “I have good news and really good news. The good news is that God assumes I am one of the three most powerful people in the world. The really good news is that we don’t have to fix the bugs in Windows XP.”

  6. Buddy Says:

    Message to my email “friends”
    A really big ‘Thank You’ for the last year….
    Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
    Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
    Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat excrement in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to get a wet sponge every time I seal an envelope.
    I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Uganda, Jamaica, Thailand, Singapore, and lower Uzbekistan.
    I no longer drink Pepsi since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put “Under God” on their cans.
    I no longer eat KFC because their “chickens” are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
    I no longer go to shopping centres because someone might drug me with a dodgy after-shave sample and rob me.
    I no longer have any money at all – but that will change once I receive the $12,000 that Microsoft and Yahoo are sending me for participating in their special e-mail tracking program.
    I no longer have any sandshoes — but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
    I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick boy who is about to die in the hospital (for the 284,272th time).
    I no longer receive packages from nor send packages as the posties are actually Al Quaeda operatives in disguise.
    I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a turd on a hot day.
    I no longer use plastic wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer of the toenail.
    I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.
    My heartfelt appreciation goes out to some of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me “forwards” over the past 12 months.
    Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.
    Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to seven of my e-mail friends and make a wish within five minutes.
    Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me, that I will now want to return the favour!

  7. Buddy Says:

    I forgot the last part:

    If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 128 people in the next 16 minutes, an oversized dove with a truly wicked case of diarrhoea will land (and gleefully unload) on your head at 6:30 PM (Daylight saving time) this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next-door neighbour’s mother-in-law’s first (ex) husband’s aunt’s hairdresser.

    -Buddy-

    ps. You have been warned!

  8. Anonymous Says:

    You have spent too much time with computer when …

    – You can’t correspond with your mother because she doesn’t have a computer.

    – You wake up at 5 O’clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and stop to read your email on the way back to bedroom.
    – You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.

    – You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

    – You start using smileys ๐Ÿ™‚ in your conventional mail (and you call it “snail mail”).

    – You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access.

    – In real life conversations, you never laugh, you just say “LOL”.

    – You find yourself typing “com” after every period when using a word processor.com

    – You move into a new house and you decide to “Netscape” before you landscape.

    – When your email box shows “no new messages” and you feel really depressed.

    – You don’t know the gender of your 3 closest friends because they have non-descript screen name and you never bothered to ask. (and actually you don’t even care.)

    – Your family always knows where you are.

  9. micro$oft rules Says:

    1. Two Words: “Pizza’s Here!”
    2. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, “I feel so “colon-right parentheses!”
    3. At social functions you introduce your husband as “my domain server”.
    4. You introduce your wife as “my lady@home.wife” and refer to your children as “client applications”.
    5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.
    6. You “ping” people to see if they’re awake, “finger” them to find out how they are, and “AYT” them to make sure they’re listening to you.
    7. You’re amazed to find out spam is a food.
    8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
    9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is “Hi, what’s your URL?”
    10. When filling out your driver’s license application you give your IP address.

  10. yahoo Says:

    Computer dictionary:

    BYTE: Whut them dang flys do.
    CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.
    DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix’s wife.
    DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk.
    ENTER: Northerner talk fer “C’mon in y’all”
    FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood.
    HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time.
    KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys.
    LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.
    LOG OFF: Don’t add no more wood.
    LOG ON: Makin a wood stove hotter.
    MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof.
    MEGA HERTZ: When yer not kerful gettin the farwood.
    MICRO CHIP: Whut’s in the bottom of the munchie bag.
    MODEM: Whut cha did to the hay fields.
    MONITOR: Keepin an eye on the wood stove.
    MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole.
    MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn.
    PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine
    PROMPT: Whut the mail ain’t in the winter time.
    RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood.
    RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: Wen ya cain’t ‘member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks.
    SCREEN: Whut to shut wen it’s blak fly season.
    SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs.
    WINDOWS: Whut to shut wen it’s cold outside.

  11. Anonymous Says:

    Male or female?

    A French teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. House is feminine “la maison”. Pencil is masculine “le crayon”.

    A student asked, “What gender is a computer?” Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups -boys and girls- and asked them to decide for themselves whether “computer” should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

    Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The Boys’s group decided that “computer” should definitely be of the feminine gender (la computer) because:
    – The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
    – No one but their creator understands their internal logic
    – Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later review; and
    – As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

    The Girl’s group concluded that computers should be male (masculine, le computer) because:

    – They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves;
    – In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
    – They are supposed to help you solve problems, but 1/2 the time they ARE the problem; and
    – As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

  12. anonymous abbreviations Says:

    Some abbreviation (old one, still valid):

    SCSI System Can’t See It
    PCMCIA People Can’t Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
    DOS Defective Operating System
    ISDN It Still Does Nothing
    APPLE Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
    BASIC Bill’s Attempt to Seize Industry Control
    IBM I Blame Microsoft
    DEC Do Expect Cuts
    CD-ROM Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
    OS/2 Obsolete Soon, Too (2)

    MACINTOSH Most Applications Crash, If Not, The Operating System
    Hangs
    PENTIUM Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect
    Understanding of Mathematics
    COBOL Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
    AMIGA A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
    LISP Lots of Infuriating and Silly Parentheses
    MIPS Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
    WINDOWS Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
    WWW World Wide Wait
    GIRO Garbage In Rubbish Out
    MICROSOFT Most Intelligent Customers Realize Out Software is
    Only for Fools and Teenagers

    ๐Ÿ™‚ :/

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