Jokes about Engineers. Smartest people on earth. (Laughing already?)
12 Jokes to “Engineers”
Three engineers were discussing what kind of engineer God is. The mechanical engineer said: “The human body is such a mechanical marvel with all its joints and muscles. God is surely a mechanical engineer.”
The electrical engineer said: “The nervous system is a mind-boggling electrical network. God would have to be an electrical engineer to develop our nervous systems.”
The civil engineer said: “I wish I could be as enthusiastic, but what self-respecting civil engineer would put the entertainment center right
next to the waste treatment facility.”
A Customer calls a UNIX consultant with a question:
Customer: What is the command that will tell me the revision code of a program ?
UNIX Consultant: Yes, that’s correct
Customer: No, what is it ?
UNIX Consultant: Yes.
Customer: So, which is the one ?
UNIX Consultant: No. ‘which’ is used to find the program.
Customer: Stop this. Who are you ?
UNIX Consultant: Use ‘who am i’ not ‘who r yoo’. You can also ‘finger yoo’ to get information about yoo’.
Customer: All I want to know is what finds the revision code ?
UNIX Consultant: Use ‘what’.
Customer: That’s what I am trying to find out. Isn’t that true
UNIX Consultant: No. ‘true’ gives you 0.
Customer: Which one?
UNIX Consultant: ‘true’ gives you 0. ‘which programname’
Customer: Let’s get back to my problem. What program? How do I find it?
UNIX Consultant: Type ‘find / -name it -print’ to find ‘it’. Type ‘what program’ to get the revision code.
Customer: I want to find the revision code.
UNIX Consultant: You can’t ‘find revisioncode’, you must use ‘what program’.
Customer: Which command will do what I need?
UNIX Consultant: No. ‘which command’ will find ‘command’.
Customer: I think I understand. Let me write that.
UNIX Consultant: You can ‘write that’ only if ‘that’ is a user on your system.
Customer: Write what?
UNIX Consultant: No. ‘write that’. ‘what program’.
Customer: Cut that out!
UNIX Consultant: Yes. those are valid files for ‘cut’. Don’t forget the options.
Customer: Do you always do this ?
UNIX Consultant: ‘du’ will give you disk usage.
UNIX Consultant: ‘help’ is only used for Source Code Control System (SCCS).
Customer: You make me angry.
UNIX Consultant: No, I don’t ‘make me’ angry but I did ‘make programname’ when I was upset once.
Customer: I don’t want to make trouble, so no more.
UNIX Consultant: No ‘more’? ‘which’ will help you find ‘more’. Every system has ‘more’.
Customer: Nice help! I’m confused more now!
UNIX Consultant: Understand that since ‘help’ is such a small program, it is better not to ‘nice help’. And ‘more now’ is not allowed but ‘at now’ is. Unless of course ‘now’ is a file name.
Customer: This is almost as confusing as my PC.
UNIX Consultant: I didn’t know you needed help with ‘pc’. Let me get you to the Pascal compiler team.
You should make a computer section. Anyway here are a computer joke:
Customer: “I got this problem. You people sent me this install disk, and
now my A: drive won’t work.”
Tech Support: “Your A drive won’t work?”
Customer: “That’s what I said. You sent me a bad disk, it got stuck in
my drive, now it won’t work at all.”
Tech Support: “Did it not install properly? What kind of error messages
did you get?”
Customer: “I didn’t get any error message. The disk got stuck in the
drive and wouldn’t come out. So I got these pliers and tried to get it
out. That didn’t work either.”
Tech Support: “You did what sir?”
Customer: “I got these pliers, and tried to get the disk out, but it
wouldn’t budge. I just ended up cracking the plastic stuff a bit.”
Tech Support: “I don’t understand sir, did you push the eject button?”
Customer: “No, so then I got a stick of butter and melted it and used a
turkey baster and put the butter in the drive, around the disk, and
that got it loose. Then I used the pliers and it came out fine. I can’t
believe you would send me a disk that was broke and defective.”
Tech Support: “Let me get this clear. You put melted butter in your A:
drive and used pliers to pull the disk out?”
At this point, I put the call on the speaker phone and motioned at the
other techs to listen in.
Tech Support: “Just so I am absolutely clear on this, can you repeat
what you just said?”
Customer: “I said I put butter in my A: drive to get your crappy disk
out, then I had to use pliers to pull it out.”
Tech Support: “Did you push that little button that was sticking out
when the disk was in the drive, you know, the thing called the disk
Tech Support: “Sir?”
Tech Support: “Sir, did you push the eject button?”
Customer: “No, but you people are going to fix my computer, or I am
going to sue you for breaking my computer?”
Tech Support: “Let me get this straight. You are going to sue our
company because you put the disk in the A: drive, didn’t follow the
instructions we sent you, didn’t actually seek professional advice,
didn’t consult your user’s manual on how to use your computer properly,
instead proceeding to pour butter into the drive and physically rip the
Tech Support: “Do you really think you stand a chance, since we do
record every call and have it on tape?”
Customer: (now rather humbled) “But you’re supposed to help!”
Tech Support: “I am sorry sir, but there is nothing we can do for you.
Have a nice day.”
· Real Engineers buy their spouses a set of matched screwdrivers for their birthday.
· Real Engineers give you the feeling you’re having a conversation with a dial tone or busy signal.
· Real Engineers know the “ABC’s of Infrared” from A to B.
· Real Engineers know the second law of thermodynamics – but not their own shirt size.
· Real Engineers repair their own televisions, cameras, watches, telephones and automatic transmissions.
· Real Engineers rotate their tires for laughs.
· Real Engineers say “It’s 69 degrees Fahrenheit, 24 degrees Celsius, and 297 degrees Kelvin” when all you say “Isn’t it a nice day”
· Real Engineers think a “biting wit” is their fox terrier.
· Real Engineers wear badges so they don’t forget who they are. Sometimes a note is attached saying “Don’t offer me a ride today. I drove my own car”.
· Real Engineers wear mustaches or beards for “efficiency”. Not because they’re lazy.
· Real Engineers will make 4 sets of drawings (with 7 revisions) before making a bird bath.
· Real Engineers’ briefcases contain a Phillips screwdriver, a copy of “Quantum Physics”, and a half of a peanut butter sandwich.
· Real Engineers’ politics run towards acquiring a parking space with their name on it and an office with a window.
· Real engineers have a non-technical vocabulary of 700 words.
· Real Engineers don’t find the above at all funny.
If Dilbert is your hero.
If a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception.
If on a camping trip, your spouse starts complaining about bug “bites” and you respond that “Yes, we do need more memory in our computer,”.
If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don’t work and you rush up to the front to fix it.
If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail. (How about this one…)
If the salespeople at Circuit City can’t answer any of your questions.
If the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind.
If when someone asks “What’s new?” you answer “C over lambda”.
If when your 4-year old asks “Why is the sky blue?” you start explaining it to them.
If when your family is expecting, you are more interested in the ultra-sound equipment than the test results.
If you are always asking your friends from marketing to hold two leads to a giant capacitor.
If you are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games, but are afraid to say it out loud.
If you are convinced you can build a phazer out of your garage door opener and your camera’s flash attachment.
If you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor.
If you are willing to debate for two hours the possible results of an experiment that takes five minutes to run.
If you can explain which direction the water spins as you flush the toilet and why.
If you can name all six Star Trek episodes.
If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
If you can remember eight computer passwords but not your anniversary.
If you can type 80 words a minute but can’t read your own handwriting.
If you can’t remember where you parked your car for the third time this week.
If you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run.
If you did the sound system for your senior prom.
If you don’t even know where the cover to your personal computer is.
If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project.
If you find your head nodding up and down every time you read Dilbert.
If you go to the air show, and you start calculating how fast the sky divers are falling, you may be an engineer; if you start telling all the people around you, you definitely are.
If you have “Dilbert” comics displayed anywhere in your work area.
If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.
If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.
If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage.
If you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for.
If you have ever purchased an electronic appliance “as-is”.
If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.
If you have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what’s inside.
If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name.
If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery Channel and have seen most of the shows already
If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven.
If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
If you have more toys than your kids.
If you have never backed-up your hard drive.
If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.
If you introduce your wife as “my-lady@home/wife”.
If you know Bill Gates’ e-mail address, and don’t remember your own.
If you know how to take the cover off of your computer, and what size screw driver to use.
If you know the altitudes at which you must turn off electronic devices on an airplane, and why.
If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush.
If you know what http:// stands for.
If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids’ toys.
If you need a checklist to turn on the Television.
If you need a spreadsheet to figure out who owes what for lunch,
If you own “Official Star Trek” anything.
If you own a set of itty-bitty screw drivers, but you don’t remember where they are.
If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.
If you plan your family vacation on a Gantt chart,
If you pre-plan your route on a map of the exhibits through the annual computer show at Moscone Center.
If you read PC Today and Popular Mechanics while on vacation.
If you refer to your spouse as “\woman at home.wife,”
If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
If you see a good design and still have to change it.
If you spend more on your home computer than your car.
If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE.
If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it.
If you think that when people around you yawn, it’s because they didn’t get enough sleep.
If you thought the real heroes of “Apollo 13” were the Mission Controllers.
If you truly believe aliens are living among us.
If you use a CAD package to design your son’s Pine Wood Derby car.
If you want an 12X CDROM for Christmas.
If you window shop at Radio Shack.
If you’ve ever tried to repair a $6.00 radio.
If your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Sugar 3. Fat 4. Chocolate
If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight.
If your checkbook always balances.
If your father sat 2 inches in front of your family’s first color TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking that was normal.
If your favorite TV show is “Mr. Wizard” instead of “Baywatch,”
If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place.
If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest Sci-Fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies.
If your lap-top computer costs more than most of cars.
If your pocket is full of too many mechanical pencils.
If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner.
If your four year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory.
If your wrist watch has more computing power than a Pentium 4.
If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone.
If, at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string.
· A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED – We don’t know where we’re going, but we’re moving.
· CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION – We should have asked someone else; or, let’s spread the responsibility for this.
· CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS BELIEVED ASSURED – We are so far behind schedule that the customer was happy to get anything at all from us.
· DEVELOPED AFTER YEARS OF INTENSIVE RESEARCH – It was discovered by accident.
· EXTENSIVE EFFORT IS BEING APPLIED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM – We just hired three new guys; we’ll let them kick it around for a while.
· MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH – Back to the drawing board.
· MODIFICATIONS ARE UNDERWAY TO CORRECT CERTAIN MINOR DIFFICULTIES – We threw the whole thing out and are starting from scratch.
· PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS ARE INCONCLUSIVE – The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
· PROJECT SLIGHTLY BEHIND ORIGINAL SCHEDULE DUE TO UNFORSEEN DIFFICULTIES – We are working on something else.
· TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING – It works, and are we surprised!
· THE DESIGN WILL BE FINALIZED IN THE NEXT REPORTING PERIOD – We haven’t started this job yet, but we’ve got to say something.
· THE DESIGNS ARE WELL WITHIN ALLOWABLE LIMITS – We just made it, stretching a point or two.
· THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED – The only guy who understood the thing quit.
3 engineers are in a car: an electrical engineer, a chemical
engineer, and a computer engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the
side of the road, and the 3 engineers look at each other wondering
what could be wrong.
The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars suggests that maybe
the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the
car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.
But the computer engineer comes up with a suggestion. “Why don’t we
close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and
maybe it will work.”