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Lawyers

Jokes about lawyers.

If you are a lawyer and you are reading this page remember that: These stories are pure fictional and not stories from real life. If you still feel that you have went through these things in your own life it is just coincidence. And God bless you.

16 Jokes to “Lawyers”

  1. Bean Says:

    Question: What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?

    Answer: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

  2. layer Says:

    A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer.
    “Can you tell me how much you charge?”, said the client.
    “Of course”, the lawyer replied, “I charge $400 to answer three questions!”
    “Well that’s a bit steep, isn’t it?”
    “Yes it is”, said the lawyer, “And what’s your third question?”

  3. admin Says:

    What’s the easiest way to grease a Porche?
    Run over a lawyer.

  4. Anonymous Says:

    “I have good news and bad news,” a defence attorney told his client. “First the bad news. The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene.”
    “Oh, no!” cried the client. “What’s the good news?”
    “Your cholesterol is down to 150.”

  5. Anonymous Says:

    Do you know how to save a drowning laywer?
    1 – Take your foot off his head.
    2 – No. Good!

    What do you call 1000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the sea?
    A good start!

  6. Anonymous Says:

    (Fahrenheit)
    65: — Californians put on sweaters
    50: — Miami residents turn on the heat
    42: — Minnesotans go swimming
    35: — Italian cars don’t start
    30: — You plan your vacation to Australia; Minnesotans put on T-shirts
    25: — Californians weep pitiably;Canadians go swimming
    15: — French cars don’t start
    5: — You plan your vacation in Houston. American cars don’t start
    0 : — Too cold to ice skate. Alaskans put on T- shirts
    -5:–German cars don’t start. Eyes freeze shut when you blink
    -10:–You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo. Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects. Miami residents cease to exist
    -15:–Minnesotans shovel snow off roof. Japanese cars don’t start
    -20:–You plan a two-week hot bath Swedish cars don’t start
    -35:–Californians disappear Minnesotans button top button. Canadians put on sweaters.
    -40:–Your car helps you plan your trip South
    -50:–Congressional hot air freeze. Alaskans close bathroom windows
    -80:–Hell freezes over. Polar bears move south
    -90:–Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets

  7. Anonymous Says:

    As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most – his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, “I’m going to give you each £30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me.” All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside. While riding in the limousine to the cemetery, the clergyman said “I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new organ very badly, and I took £10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put £20,000 in the coffin.” The physician then said, “Well, since we’re confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn’t put the full £30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost £20,000 and I couldn’t afford it then. I used £20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that.” The lawyer then said, “I’m ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal cheque for the full £30,000.”

  8. Anonymous Says:

    What do you call 3000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
    A good start!

  9. Anonymous Says:

    A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer.
    “Can you tell me how much you charge?”, said the client.
    “Of course”, the lawyer replied, “I charge $300 to answer three questions!”
    “Well that’s a bit steep, isn’t it?”
    “Yes it is”, said the lawyer, “And what’s your third question?”

  10. Stupid laws in the States Says:

    Alabama
    * It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.

    California
    * Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water.

    Connecticut
    * You are not allowed to cross the street on your hands.
    * You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour.

    Florida
    * Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of a strapless gown.
    * If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.
    * Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.
    * A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.
    * In Sarasota, it is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swim suit.

    Illinois
    * It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animals kept as pets.

    Indiana
    * Citizens are not allowed to attend a movie house or theater nor ride in a public streetcar within at least four hours after eating garlic.
    * Bathing is prohibited during the winter.

    Iowa
    * Kisses may last for as much as, but no more than, 5 minutes.

    Kentucky
    * It is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket.
    * By law, anyone who has been drinking is “sober” until he or she “cannot hold onto the ground.”

    Louisiana
    * Biting someone with your natural teeth is “simple assault”, while biting someone with your false teeth is “aggravated assault.”
    * It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol.

    Massachusetts
    * Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked.
    * Mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches.
    * An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public.

    Nebraska
    * A parent can be arrested if his child cannot hold back a burp during a church service.

    New Mexico
    * Females are strictly forbidden to appear unshaven in public.

    New York
    * A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking “at a woman in that way.” A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a “pair of horse-blinders” wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll.

    North Dakota
    * Beer and pretzels can’t be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant.

    Ohio
    * Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public.

    Oklahoma
    * Females are forbidden from doing their own hair without being licensed by the state.
    * Violators can be fined, arrested or jailed for making ugly faces at a dog.
    * Dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to congregate in groups of three or more on private property.

    Pennsylvania
    * No man may purchase alcohol without written consent from his wife.
    * A special cleaning ordinance bans housewives from hiding dirt and dust under a rug in a dwelling.

    Texas
    * It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.
    * A city ordinance states that a person cannot go barefoot without first obtaining a special five-dollar permit.

    Vermont
    * Lawmakers made it obligatory for everybody to take at least one bath each week – on Saturday night.

    Washington
    * A law to reduce crime states: “It is mandatory for a motorist with criminal intentions to stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he is entering the town.”
    * All lollipops are banned.

    West Virginia
    * No children may attend school with their breath smelling of “wild onions.”

  11. not quilty Says:

    You know that you have a very bad lawyer when …

    – He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.

    – He tells you that he has never told a lie.

    – When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.

    – A prison guard is shaving your head.

    – He picks the jury by playing “duck-duck-goose.”

    – A big sign in his office says: “Don’t ask me.”

  12. phucet Says:

    A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.
    To his dismay, there were hundreds of people
    ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his
    surprise, Peter left his desk at the gate
    and came down the long line to where the lawyer
    was, and greeted him warmly.

    Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took
    the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to
    the front of the line, and into a comfortable
    chair by his desk.

    The lawyer said, “I don’t mind all this attention,
    but what makes me so special?”

    St. Peter replied, “Well, I’ve added up all
    the hours for which you billed your clients,
    and by my calculation you must be about 174 years
    old!”

  13. phucet Says:

    “I’ve got grounds, all right,” sputtered the irate husband.
    “Can you believe my wife told me I’m a bad lover?”

    “That’s why you’re suing?” pursued his lawyer.

    “Of course not. I’m suing because she knows the difference.”

  14. Seanrabs Says:

    The machine was established in Germany to catch the criminals.the machine was tested in USA within 30 minutes the machine caught 300 crinals,Nigeria 200 were caught within 20 in SOUTH AFRICA within 5 minutes the machine is stolen.

  15. THATANA JACOBUS RSA Says:

    What does a shorthsighted gynaecologist and a puppy have in common?

    a)WET NOSES

  16. sayhire Says:

    Mr A :I’m looking for a lawer
    Lawer : I’m the best lawer you can trust
    Mr A : great , I hire you

    2 year later

    Mr A : Mr laywer you said you are the best and look why I gota be in jail today??????
    Lawer : oh because you didnt ask me what best i am
    Mr A : so what best you are
    Lawer : Best in fail

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