Lawyers
Jokes about lawyers.
If you are a lawyer and you are reading this page remember that: These stories are pure fictional and not stories from real life. If you still feel that you have went through these things in your own life it is just coincidence. And God bless you.
Question: What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
Answer: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.
December 25th, 2007 at 6:20 pmA new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer.
January 7th, 2008 at 9:52 pm“Can you tell me how much you charge?”, said the client.
“Of course”, the lawyer replied, “I charge $400 to answer three questions!”
“Well that’s a bit steep, isn’t it?”
“Yes it is”, said the lawyer, “And what’s your third question?”
What’s the easiest way to grease a Porche?
January 9th, 2008 at 7:03 pmRun over a lawyer.
“I have good news and bad news,” a defence attorney told his client. “First the bad news. The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene.”
January 9th, 2008 at 7:04 pm“Oh, no!” cried the client. “What’s the good news?”
“Your cholesterol is down to 150.”
Do you know how to save a drowning laywer?
1 - Take your foot off his head.
2 - No. Good!
What do you call 1000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the sea?
January 15th, 2008 at 11:46 amA good start!
(Fahrenheit)
January 15th, 2008 at 11:49 am65: — Californians put on sweaters
50: — Miami residents turn on the heat
42: — Minnesotans go swimming
35: — Italian cars don’t start
30: — You plan your vacation to Australia; Minnesotans put on T-shirts
25: — Californians weep pitiably;Canadians go swimming
15: — French cars don’t start
5: — You plan your vacation in Houston. American cars don’t start
0 : — Too cold to ice skate. Alaskans put on T- shirts
-5:–German cars don’t start. Eyes freeze shut when you blink
-10:–You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo. Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects. Miami residents cease to exist
-15:–Minnesotans shovel snow off roof. Japanese cars don’t start
-20:–You plan a two-week hot bath Swedish cars don’t start
-35:–Californians disappear Minnesotans button top button. Canadians put on sweaters.
-40:–Your car helps you plan your trip South
-50:–Congressional hot air freeze. Alaskans close bathroom windows
-80:–Hell freezes over. Polar bears move south
-90:–Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets
As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most - his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, “I’m going to give you each £30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me.” All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside. While riding in the limousine to the cemetery, the clergyman said “I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new organ very badly, and I took £10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put £20,000 in the coffin.” The physician then said, “Well, since we’re confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn’t put the full £30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost £20,000 and I couldn’t afford it then. I used £20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that.” The lawyer then said, “I’m ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal cheque for the full £30,000.”
January 28th, 2008 at 8:48 pmWhat do you call 3000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
March 10th, 2008 at 5:36 pmA good start!
A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer.
March 10th, 2008 at 5:37 pm“Can you tell me how much you charge?”, said the client.
“Of course”, the lawyer replied, “I charge $300 to answer three questions!”
“Well that’s a bit steep, isn’t it?”
“Yes it is”, said the lawyer, “And what’s your third question?”
Alabama
* It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.
California
* Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water.
Connecticut
* You are not allowed to cross the street on your hands.
* You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour.
Florida
* Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of a strapless gown.
* If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.
* Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.
* A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.
* In Sarasota, it is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swim suit.
Illinois
* It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animals kept as pets.
Indiana
* Citizens are not allowed to attend a movie house or theater nor ride in a public streetcar within at least four hours after eating garlic.
* Bathing is prohibited during the winter.
Iowa
* Kisses may last for as much as, but no more than, 5 minutes.
Kentucky
* It is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket.
* By law, anyone who has been drinking is “sober” until he or she “cannot hold onto the ground.”
Louisiana
* Biting someone with your natural teeth is “simple assault”, while biting someone with your false teeth is “aggravated assault.”
* It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol.
Massachusetts
* Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked.
* Mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches.
* An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public.
Nebraska
* A parent can be arrested if his child cannot hold back a burp during a church service.
New Mexico
* Females are strictly forbidden to appear unshaven in public.
New York
* A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking “at a woman in that way.” A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a “pair of horse-blinders” wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll.
North Dakota
* Beer and pretzels can’t be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant.
Ohio
* Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public.
Oklahoma
* Females are forbidden from doing their own hair without being licensed by the state.
* Violators can be fined, arrested or jailed for making ugly faces at a dog.
* Dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to congregate in groups of three or more on private property.
Pennsylvania
* No man may purchase alcohol without written consent from his wife.
* A special cleaning ordinance bans housewives from hiding dirt and dust under a rug in a dwelling.
Texas
* It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.
* A city ordinance states that a person cannot go barefoot without first obtaining a special five-dollar permit.
Vermont
* Lawmakers made it obligatory for everybody to take at least one bath each week - on Saturday night.
Washington
* A law to reduce crime states: “It is mandatory for a motorist with criminal intentions to stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he is entering the town.”
* All lollipops are banned.
West Virginia
April 3rd, 2008 at 8:10 am* No children may attend school with their breath smelling of “wild onions.”
You know that you have a very bad lawyer when …
- He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.
- He tells you that he has never told a lie.
- When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
- A prison guard is shaving your head.
- He picks the jury by playing “duck-duck-goose.”
- A big sign in his office says: “Don’t ask me.”
April 23rd, 2008 at 9:58 amA lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.
To his dismay, there were hundreds of people
ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his
surprise, Peter left his desk at the gate
and came down the long line to where the lawyer
was, and greeted him warmly.
Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took
the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to
the front of the line, and into a comfortable
chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, “I don’t mind all this attention,
but what makes me so special?”
St. Peter replied, “Well, I’ve added up all
June 2nd, 2008 at 12:58 pmthe hours for which you billed your clients,
and by my calculation you must be about 174 years
old!”
“I’ve got grounds, all right,” sputtered the irate husband.
“Can you believe my wife told me I’m a bad lover?”
“That’s why you’re suing?” pursued his lawyer.
“Of course not. I’m suing because she knows the difference.”
June 2nd, 2008 at 1:02 pmThe machine was established in Germany to catch the criminals.the machine was tested in USA within 30 minutes the machine caught 300 crinals,Nigeria 200 were caught within 20 in SOUTH AFRICA within 5 minutes the machine is stolen.
August 6th, 2008 at 4:21 pmWhat does a shorthsighted gynaecologist and a puppy have in common?
a)WET NOSES
October 28th, 2008 at 12:08 pm