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“Love and marriage, its an institute you can’t disparage.” The show is old, the song is older. Jokes and stories about love and marriage. Make you merry, make you cry.

“Go together like a horse and carriage.”

14 Jokes to “Marriage”

  1. Al Bundy Says:

    Rings in cronological order:
    Engagement ring.
    Wedding ring.

  2. toast Says:

    Three guys, who have just got married, are sitting in their hotel
    bar after all the receptions, having a beer.

    As they talk, it transpires that all three are virgins, and are a
    bit naive of how many times they can expect to have sex with their
    new bride that evening.

    One devises a plan of how they can relay this information to the
    others at breakfast without getting a slap.

    “All we do is order as many rounds of toast for how many times you
    had it last night” he says, and the others readily agree.

    At breakfast the next morning, all three guys look very happy with
    themselves. The first bloke orders cornflakes, and in a loud voice
    asks for 3 slices of toast, and the others give him a wink and a
    thumbs up.

    The next guy orders scrambled eggs, and again in a voice so the
    others can hear orders 5 slices of toast. Again, his mates give
    him a ‘good on yer’ look.

    The next guy orders a full english breakfast, and then asks for
    SEVEN slices of toast. His mates give a low whistle of approval,
    and as the waiter walks away, the guy says to the waiter “Oh, and
    could you make two of those brown, please mate.”

  3. Anonymous Says:

    Wedding rings: The world’s smallest handcuffs.

  4. d. lango Says:

    some people kiss with their eyes closed,and that is how they end up marrying

  5. Anonymous Says:

    It’s nice to be married. To be able to relax, sit and the couch with a glass of wine in your hand and all night…watch your wife’s favourite programmes.

  6. Anonymous Says:

    An insurance salesman was trying to persuade a housewife to buy a life insurance policy. “Just imagine if your husband was to die tomorrow,” he said. “What would you get?”
    “Oh, a Labrador dog, I think,” replied the housewife. “They’re so well-behaved.

  7. shorties Says:

    I still miss my ex-husband – but my aim is getting better.

  8. shorties Says:

    Missing: dog and wife. Reward for dog.

  9. shorties Says:

    My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Wednesday.

  10. shorties Says:

    Why are great girlfriends hard to find?
    Because the right girls are like parking spaces – all the best ones are taken and the ones available are handicapped.

  11. phucet Says:

    In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and
    rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has

    Question: Why do men die before their wives?
    Answer: They want to.

    The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it

    What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
    About five drinks.

    Then there was a man who said, “I never knew what real happiness was
    until I got married; and then it was too late.”

    My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state
    troopers and a dog.

    What is the punishment for bigamy?
    Two Mother-in-laws.

    Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man
    doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?
    Dad: That happens in every country, son.

    First man (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!”
    Second man: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

    How do most men define marriage?
    An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

    A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and
    said “I haven’t eaten anything in 4 days.” She looked at him and
    said, “God, I wish I had your willpower.”

    The bumper sticker read: “I lost 350 euros in one day, I divorced

    A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classified: “Wife wanted”. Next day he
    received two hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have

    A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get
    married?” And the father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”

    The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?”
    I said, “Dust!”

    If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every
    word you say, talk in your sleep.

    Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life
    thinking they had no faults at all.

  12. phucet Says:

    A man and wife are in their honeymoon suite getting undressed for bed, when
    the new husband takes his pants off, throws them across the bed and says to
    his wife – “here, put these on”. The bewildered wife asks “why?”. The
    husband says”just amuse me and do it”. The wife pulls the pants on up to her
    breasts and says “I can’t wear these pants”. The husband responded sharply –
    “that’s right, I’m going to wear the pants in this marriage!”.
    The stunned wife looks at her husband, slips off her panties and says “here, try to put
    these on”. The husband asks why?. She says “it’s my turn – now amuse me”.
    The husband tries in vain to pull the panties on but can’t get them past his
    knees, then says ” I can’t seen to get into your panties”. She says “that’s
    right – and you wont either till you attitude changes!!!”.

  13. Skhu Says:

    Marriage – an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor’s Degree and the woman gets her Masters. There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage. They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

  14. Anonymous Says:

    A man and an Ostrich walk into a restaurant. They are seated by the waitress who preceeds to take their order.
    I will have the salad, medium rare steak and a chocolate eclair with a cup of coffee.
    I will have the same, says the ostrich.
    When they are finished with their meal, the man signals for the bill.
    That will be $141.24, says the witress.
    The man puts his hand in his pocket and removes exactly $141.24.

    The next night, the duo goes back.
    Same table, same waitress.
    I will have the pea soup, Baby duck with sweet & sour sauce and Italian kisses, says the man.
    I will have the same replies the ostrich.
    At the end of the evening, the waitress tells the man that his bill is $118.65. The man puts his hand in his pocket and removes exactly $118.65.

    The next night, the duo goes back.
    Same table, same waitress.
    I will have the garden salad, 500g ribs with mushroom sauce and strawberry cheesecake with a cup of coffee, says the man.
    I will have the same replies the ostrich.
    At the end of the evening, the waitress tells the man that his bill is $139.89. The man puts his hand in his pocket and removes exactly $139.89.

    Sorry sir, I don’t mean to be rude, but how is it that no matter what your meal comes to, you always have the exact money in your pocket.

    Well, responds the man, many years ago, I found a lamp with a Genie. He gave me three wishes.
    My first wish was for good health.

    My second was no matter what I wanted to buy, I would always have the exact amount in my pocket. So a porche, cup of coffee, dinner or a house in France will always be paid for.

    That was very intelligent sir, responds the waitress. This way you will always have money.

    That’s right, replied the man. Anyway, my third wish was for a chick with long legs. One that will agree with everything I say and do.

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