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Men

Jokes about men. If you are a woman you know what we are talking about.

14 Jokes to “Men”

  1. Hu Man Says:

    Why (we) men are proud of themselves.

    – A 7-day trip requires only one suitcase
    – Same work, more pay
    – We can open all our own jars
    – We can go to the bathroom without a support group
    – We can leave a motel bed unmade
    – We can kill our own food
    – We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
    – Wedding plans take care of themselves
    – If someone forgets to invite us to something they can still be our friends
    – Underwear is $12 a three-pack
    – Everything on our faces stays the original color
    – Three pairs of shoes are more than enough
    – We don’t need clean the house if the meter reader is coming
    – Car mechanics tell us the truth
    – We can sit without talking and watch a game with a friend for hours without thinking “He must be mad at me.”
    – We are totally unable to see wrinkles in our clothes
    – Grey hair and wrinkles only add character
    – We can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift
    – If another guy shows up at a party in the same shirt you just might become lifelong friends
    – We are not expected to know the names of more than 5 colors
    – We almost never have a “strap problem” in public
    – We have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache
    – The same hairstyle lasts for years-maybe decades
    – We don’t have to shave below the neck
    – Our belly usually hides our big hips
    – One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons
    – We can do our nails with a pocketknife
    – Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 20 people on the day before Christmas and in 35 minutes
    – We know stuff about tanks
    – We don’t have to learn to spell a new last name
    – If you are 32 and single nobody notices
    – Your pals will never trap you with: “So, notice anything different?”
    – A few belches are expected and tolerated

  2. Anonymous Says:

    ** 27 Facts About Men **

    1. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

    2. Most women are introspective: “Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?” Most men are outrospective: “Did my team win? How’s my car?”

    3. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

    4. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.

    5. Men who have tattoos think they have a piece of artwork on them. Yeah, like a flaming skull is art?

    6. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he
    coaches the players from our living room, and if they’re really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.

    7. If you’re dating a man who you think might be “Mr Right,” if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only
    works on cocoons and butterflies.

    8. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

    9. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

    10. All men hate to hear “We need to talk about our relationship.” These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwartzkopf.

    11. Men are sensitive in strange ways If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

    12. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits, Women have two types: depressing and more depressing Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.

    13. Men have higher body temperatures than women If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

    14. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.

    15. Most men hate to shop That’s why the men’s department is usually on the first floor of a department store, three inches from the door.

    16. Women take clothing much more seriously than men I’ve never seen a man walk into a party and say “Oh no, I’m so embarrassed; I’ve got to get out of here. There’s another man wearing a black tuxedo.”

    17. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

    18. No man is charming all of the time Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

    19. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.

    20. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.

    21. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.

    22. If a man says, “I’ll call you,” and he doesn’t, he didn’t forget.. he didn’t lose your number.. he didn’t die. He just didn’t want to call you.

    23. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem “Get out” and “I never want to see you again” might sound like a challenge If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, “I love you.. I want to marry you.. I want to have your children.” Sometimes they leave skid marks.

    24. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis I asked him, “Are we going to have fun again?” He said, “Maybe.. next year.”

    25. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause – you get to flirt with young girls and drive motorbikes.

    26. Men forget everything, women remember everything. That’s why men need instant replays in sports. They’ve already forgotten what happened.

    27. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super- heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

  3. Jerry Says:

    Happy New Year!

  4. Anonymous Says:

    … Parking Spots.
    The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are either handicapped or extremely small.

    … Blenders.
    You need one, but you’re not quite sure why.

    … Coffee.
    The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

    … Chocolate Bars.
    Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

    … Commercials.
    You can’t believe a word they say.

    … Computers.
    Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

    … Coolers.
    Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

    … Curling Irons.
    They’re always hot, and they’re always in your hair.

    … Government Bonds.
    They take way too long to mature.

    … Horoscopes.
    They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

    … Mascara.
    They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

    … Lava Lamps.
    Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

    … Popcorn.
    They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

    … Weather.
    Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

    … Copiers.
    You need them for reproduction, but that’s about it.

  5. You dun nid 2 know Says:

    HER DIARY

    Day night, I thought he was acting weird. We had made

    plans to meet at a cafe to have some coffee. I was shopping with my friends

    all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no

    comment. Conversation wasn’t flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but

    he kept quiet and absent.

    I asked him what was wrong – he said, “Nothing” I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

    On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior; I don’t know why he didn’t say, “I love u too”. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV.

    He seemed distant and absent. Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed. I decided that I could not

    take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep.

    I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

    My life is a disaster.

    HIS DIARY

    Today India lost the cricket match against England.

    DAMN IT.

    NOW that’s called…

    Simplicity of Men
    Vs
    Complexity of Women…!!

  6. cindy Says:

    That was a nice one! 😀

  7. You dun nid 2 know Says:

    thx~

  8. pale male Says:

    1 Men are like –> Bank Machines. Once they withdraw, they lose interest.
    2 Men are like –> Blenders. You need one, but you’re not quite sure why
    3 Men are like –> Cement. After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.
    4 Men are like –> Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
    5 Men are like –> Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
    6 Men are like –> Commercials. You can’t believe a word they say.
    7 Men are like –> Department Stores. Their clothes are always half off
    8 Men are like –> Government bonds. They take so long to mature.
    9 Men are like –> Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
    10 Men are like –> Laxatives. They irritate the shit out of you.
    11 Men are like –> Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
    12 Men are like –> Parking Spots. All the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.
    13 Men are like –> Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
    14 Men are like –> Snowstorms. You never know when they’re coming, how many inches you’ll get or how long it will last.
    15 Men are like –> Vacations. They never seem to be long enough.
    16 Men are like –> Weather. Nothing can be done to change them.
    17 Men are like –> Lava Lamps. Nice to look at, but not very bright.
    18 Men are like –> Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.

  9. my business Says:

    Nice list, I have some more:

    Men are like Coolers. Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
    Men are like Curling irons. They’re always hot, and they’re always in your
    hair.
    Men are like Lawn Mowers. If you’re not pushing one around, then you’re
    riding it.
    Men are like Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that’s about it.
    Men are like High heels. They’re easy to walk on once you get the hang of
    it.
    Men are like Mini skirts. If you’re not careful, they’ll creep up your
    legs.
    Men are like Noodles. They’re always in hot water, they lack taste,and they
    need dough.
    Men are like Placemats. They only show up when there’s food on the table.
    Men are like Used Cars. Both are easy-toget, cheap, and unreliable.

  10. judy Says:

    A girl said: Last night i was in bed looking at the beautiful stears, the moon and the sky …then i thought where the fuck is my roof????????

  11. judy Says:

    JESUS SAYS TO jOHN COME FORTH I’LL GIVE YOU ETERNAL!jOHN COMES FIRTH AND HE WON A TOASTER!!!

  12. judy Says:

    THE RAIN MAKES ALL THINGS BEAUTIFUL .THE GRASS AND FLOWERS TOO .IF RAIN MAKES ALL THINGS BEAUTIFUL WHY DOES’NT IT RAIN ON YOU???

  13. BLACK BERRY Says:

    AN INDEPENDANT STUDY HAS PROVEN THAT THESE WHO HAVE A BAD SEX LIFE AND ARE CRAP IN BED ARE READING THIS WITH THEIR RIGHT HAND ON THE MOUSE!!!! LMIMP

  14. JOemar Says:

    this is a joke

    blah

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