Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, “Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser.”
“Oh really, hmm, didn’t know that.”
Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. “I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn’t care.” The second Englishman remarked, “You just don’t know how to set him off…watch and learn.” So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, “Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!”
“Oh really, hmm, didn’t know that.”
Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. “You’re right. He’s unshakable!”
The third Englishman remarked, “Boys, I’ll really tick him off… just watch.” So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, “I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!”
“Yeah, that’s what your buddies were trying to tell me.”
The post office received a letter addressed “To God.” Not knowing where to deliver it, they forwarded it to one of the nearby churches.
The pastor read it at the next charity committee meeting:
I hate to bother you, but my family is having it tough right now. The rent is two month’s due, my wife is expecting, and my car is broke down. Plus I just lost my job as a night watchman due to sleeping on the job. Please send us 1,000 bucks and I won’t bother you again.
The pastor read the name and one of the members recognized it. “He lives right down the street from the church,” she said. “This might be a good way to witness to him and show him we care.”
The others agreed but the church fund was only to help members. Finally, after much discussion, they decided to pool their resources and give from their own pockets. They came up with 500 bucks, then wrote out a check from the church and sent it to him.
Months passed with no word of thanks or even acknowledgment. Some time later they received another letter forwarded to them addressed to God. It was from the same fellow.
I hate to bother you again, but I lost my new job at the shoe store, my car was wrecked, and my wife is in the hospital again. Please send me 1,000 bucks to get these creditors off our backs.
P.S. Please send it to me directly this time. Last time you sent it through the church next door and those dirty crooks kept half of it.
There he finds that there is a different hell for each country.
He goes to the German hell and asks, ‘What do they do here?’
He told, ‘First they put you in an electric chair for An hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then The German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day.’
The man does not like the sound of that at all,so he moves on.
He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more.
He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.
Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in.
Amazed, he asks, ‘What do they do here?’ He told, ‘First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day.’
‘But that is exactly the same as all the other hells – why are there so many people waiting to get in?’
‘Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work,someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Govt servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the canteen!!!
Santa Claus needed a vacation. He decided to go to Texas because it was warm and he had heard that the people were friendly. As soon as he arrived in town, people began to point and say, “Look! The big red one! Isn’t he someone famous?”
Santa thought, “Gee, I’ll never get any rest if people start asking to sit on my lap and try to tell me things they want.”
So, he decided to disguise himself. He bought a cowboy outfit complete with cowboy boots and cowboy hat.
“No one will know me now, I look just like everyone else!” he thought happily.
As soon as Santa started walking down the street people began to point and say, “Look! It’s that famous Christmas personality!”
Santa rushed around a corner to hide.
“It’s my beard!” he thought. “They recognize me because of my long white beard!”
So Santa went to a barbershop and had his beard shaved off.
“I really look like everybody else now!” Santa thought.
So he walked down the street with a big smile on his face. Suddenly a man shouted, “It’s him! It’s him! Look everybody!”
Santa couldn’t believe it. He was sure that no one would recognize him. So Santa walked up to the man and said, “How did you recognize me?”
The man looked at Santa and said, “You? I don’t know you, but isn’t that four-legged guy with the big red nose behind you Rudolph?”
I met a Chinese who told me his name was Abraham Schwarz. I asked if he was Jewish for which he replied no.
“How did you get that name, did your mother marry a Jewish man?”
“Of course not! What happened was, when I arrived to the States and standing on the immigration line the man in front of me was named Abraham Schwarz. When it came my turn, they asked me my name and I said Sem Ting”
1 It was not published in any journal of repute.
2 He issued only one extensive publication.
3 It contained no references (reading lists, sources).
4 Though He may have created the world, what has He done since then?
5 It was in Hebrew.
6 Some even doubt that He wrote it Himself.
7 His attempts at collaboration were rather limited.
8 The scientific community found it difficult to complete his results
9 He never applied to the Commision of Ethics for permission to experiment
with human beings.
10 Some say he allowed His son to give the lectures.
11 When an experiment failed, he tried to keep the failure secret by drowning
the objects under scrutiny.
12 When the objects under scrutiny did not behave as forecast, they were
removed from the random sample.
13 He expelled the first two students from the class.
14 He hardly ever came to his lectures, and asked His students to read only
15 Although there are only ten commandments, most of his students didn’t pass
16 His meetings were at irregular hours, and usually took place on a mountain
1 Adventists have a seventh-inning stretch.
2 Amish walk a lot.
3 Anglicans gave the Catholics a reign check.
4 Atheists refuse to have an Umpire.
5 Baha’is think everyone should play.
6 Baptists want to play hardball.
7 Buddhists don’t believe anyone is keeping score.
8 Calvinists believe the game is fixed.
9 Catholics make a shortstop in purgatory before sliding into home.
10 Communists are out in left field.
11 Episcopalians pass the plate.
12 Evangelicals make effective pitches.
13 Fundamentalists balk.
14 Hindus go around the bases many, many times before reaching home.
15 Jehovah’s Witnesses are thrown out often.
16 Jews in general are waiting for wholesale tickets.
17 Law and Order crowd believes three strikes and you’re in.
18 Lutherans believe they can’t win, but trust the Scorekeeper.
19 Materialists think the diamond is forever.
20 Mormon teams sign on all their relatives.
21 Natives circle the bases.
22 One player refused to shave (Sikh) and he was fined.
23 Orthodox Christians always have a no-hitter: They turn the other cheek.
24 Pagans sacrifice.
25 Premillenialists expect the game to be called soon on account of eternal darkness.
26 Quakers won’t swing.
27 Sabeans are stuck on first base.
28 Taoists think the rules are restrictive.
29 Televangelists get caught stealing.
30 The Lions couldn’t touch Daniel leaving the Jews up one.
31 The Pope claims never to have committed an error.
32 The Sufi base umpire was relieved because he was deep in thought and missed a call.
33 Unitarians can catch anything.
34 When Catholics steal a base, they have to go to confession after the game.
35 Yogi Berra says, “It ain’t over till it’s over.”
pastor: who will like to go to heaven?
everyone in church raised their hands except alittle girl.
pastor: mary, why dont you want to go to heaven?
mary: becos my mum says i must come home immediately after service.