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Religion

Jokes about religions. There are many of them. Religions. Jokes.

12 Jokes to “Religion”

  1. Mini ster Says:

    A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

    The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous I take a sip.”

    So the next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

    Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door:

    Sip the Vodka, don’t gulp.

    There are 10 commandments, not 12.

    There are 12 disciples, not 10.

    Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

    Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not “bet his ass.”

    We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

    David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

    When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.

    We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

    When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this and eat it, for it is my body,” he did not say, “Eat me.”

  2. Oh God! Says:

    Compare J.C and E.P.

    Jesus said: “Love thy neighbor.” (Matthew 22:39)
    Elvis said: “Don’t be cruel.” (RCA, 1956)

    Jesus is the Lords’s shepherd.
    Elvis dated Cybill Shepherd.

    Jesus was part of the Trinity.
    Elvis’ first band was a trio.

    Jesus fasted for 40 days and nights.
    Elvis had irregular eating habits. (e.g. 4 banana splits for breakfast)

    Jesus’ entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members.
    Elvis’ entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members.

    Jesus walked on water. (Matthew 14:25)
    Elvis surfed. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount, 1965)

    Jesus was resurrected.
    Elvis had the famous 1968 “comeback” TV special.

    Jesus said, “If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink.”(John 7:37)
    Elvis said, “Drinks on me!” (Jailhouse Rock, MGM, 1957)

    Mary, an important woman in Jesus’ life, had an Immaculate Conception.
    Priscilla, an important woman in Elvis’ life, went to Immaculate Conception High School.

    Jesus is a Capricorn. (December 25)
    Elvis is a Capricorn. (January 8)

    Matthew was one of Jesus’ many biographers. (The Gospel According to Matthew)
    Neil Matthews was one of Elvis’ many biographers. (Elvis: A Golden Tribute)

    “[Jesus] countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow.”(Matthew 28:3)
    Elvis wore snow-white jumpsuits with lightening bolts.

    Jesus said: “Man shall not live by bread alone.”
    Elvis liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas.

    Jesus’ Father is everywhere.
    Elvis’ father was a drifter, and moved around quite a bit.

    Jesus was first and foremost the Son of God.
    Elvis first recorded with Sun Studios, which today are still considered to be his foremost recordings.

    Jesus was the lamb of God.
    Elvis had mutton chop sideburns.

    No one knows what the “H” in “Jesus H. Christ” stood for.
    No one was really sure if Elvis’ middle name was “Aron” or “Aaron”.

    Jesus was a carpenter.
    Elvis’ favorite high school class was wood shop.

    Jesus wore a crown of thorns.
    Elvis wore Royal Crown hair styler.

    Jesus H. Christ has 12 letters.
    Elvis Presley has 12 letters.

    Jesus lived in state of grace in a Near Eastern land.
    Elvis lived in Graceland in a nearly eastern state.

  3. Anonymous Says:

    Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, “Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser.”

    “Oh really, hmm, didn’t know that.”

    Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. “I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn’t care.” The second Englishman remarked, “You just don’t know how to set him off…watch and learn.” So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, “Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!”

    “Oh really, hmm, didn’t know that.”

    Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. “You’re right. He’s unshakable!”

    The third Englishman remarked, “Boys, I’ll really tick him off… just watch.” So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, “I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!”

    “Yeah, that’s what your buddies were trying to tell me.”

  4. You dun nid 2 know Says:

    The post office received a letter addressed “To God.” Not knowing where to deliver it, they forwarded it to one of the nearby churches.

    The pastor read it at the next charity committee meeting:

    Dear God,

    I hate to bother you, but my family is having it tough right now. The rent is two month’s due, my wife is expecting, and my car is broke down. Plus I just lost my job as a night watchman due to sleeping on the job. Please send us 1,000 bucks and I won’t bother you again.

    The pastor read the name and one of the members recognized it. “He lives right down the street from the church,” she said. “This might be a good way to witness to him and show him we care.”

    The others agreed but the church fund was only to help members. Finally, after much discussion, they decided to pool their resources and give from their own pockets. They came up with 500 bucks, then wrote out a check from the church and sent it to him.

    Months passed with no word of thanks or even acknowledgment. Some time later they received another letter forwarded to them addressed to God. It was from the same fellow.

    Dear God,

    I hate to bother you again, but I lost my new job at the shoe store, my car was wrecked, and my wife is in the hospital again. Please send me 1,000 bucks to get these creditors off our backs.
    Thanks again.

    P.S. Please send it to me directly this time. Last time you sent it through the church next door and those dirty crooks kept half of it.

  5. You dun nid 2 know Says:

    A man dies and goes to hell.

    There he finds that there is a different hell for each country.

    He goes to the German hell and asks, ‘What do they do here?’

    He told, ‘First they put you in an electric chair for An hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then The German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day.’

    The man does not like the sound of that at all,so he moves on.
    He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more.

    He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.

    Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in.

    Amazed, he asks, ‘What do they do here?’ He told, ‘First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day.’

    ‘But that is exactly the same as all the other hells – why are there so many people waiting to get in?’

    ‘Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work,someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Govt servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the canteen!!!

  6. You dun nid 2 know Says:

    Santa Claus needed a vacation. He decided to go to Texas because it was warm and he had heard that the people were friendly. As soon as he arrived in town, people began to point and say, “Look! The big red one! Isn’t he someone famous?”

    Santa thought, “Gee, I’ll never get any rest if people start asking to sit on my lap and try to tell me things they want.”

    So, he decided to disguise himself. He bought a cowboy outfit complete with cowboy boots and cowboy hat.

    “No one will know me now, I look just like everyone else!” he thought happily.

    As soon as Santa started walking down the street people began to point and say, “Look! It’s that famous Christmas personality!”

    Santa rushed around a corner to hide.

    “It’s my beard!” he thought. “They recognize me because of my long white beard!”

    So Santa went to a barbershop and had his beard shaved off.

    “I really look like everybody else now!” Santa thought.

    So he walked down the street with a big smile on his face. Suddenly a man shouted, “It’s him! It’s him! Look everybody!”

    Santa couldn’t believe it. He was sure that no one would recognize him. So Santa walked up to the man and said, “How did you recognize me?”

    The man looked at Santa and said, “You? I don’t know you, but isn’t that four-legged guy with the big red nose behind you Rudolph?”

  7. You dun nid 2 know Says:

    There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish.

    He was saying, “Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale.”

    A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.

    The kid said, “I caught them at the dam, so they’re dam fish.”

    The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.

    His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, “Preachers aren’t supposed to talk like that.”

    The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.

    His son replied, “That’s the spirit dad. Pass the crap potatoes!!!!”

  8. preacher Says:

    A man joined the preisthood. The order he joined could not speak for 7 years. Then they could only say two words. The first 7 years passed and they went into a small room. His 2 words were “too cold”.

    The next 7 years passed and they took him back into the same small room and his 2 words were “bad food”.

    The next 7 years passed they took him back into the small room and his 2 words were “I quit”.

    “Good!” they said,”all you have done is complain.”

  9. Anonymous Says:

    I met a Chinese who told me his name was Abraham Schwarz. I asked if he was Jewish for which he replied no.

    “How did you get that name, did your mother marry a Jewish man?”

    “Of course not! What happened was, when I arrived to the States and standing on the immigration line the man in front of me was named Abraham Schwarz. When it came my turn, they asked me my name and I said Sem Ting”

  10. hmorous Says:

    God could never be a professor because …

    1 It was not published in any journal of repute.
    2 He issued only one extensive publication.
    3 It contained no references (reading lists, sources).
    4 Though He may have created the world, what has He done since then?
    5 It was in Hebrew.
    6 Some even doubt that He wrote it Himself.
    7 His attempts at collaboration were rather limited.
    8 The scientific community found it difficult to complete his results
    afterwards.
    9 He never applied to the Commision of Ethics for permission to experiment
    with human beings.
    10 Some say he allowed His son to give the lectures.
    11 When an experiment failed, he tried to keep the failure secret by drowning
    the objects under scrutiny.
    12 When the objects under scrutiny did not behave as forecast, they were
    removed from the random sample.
    13 He expelled the first two students from the class.
    14 He hardly ever came to his lectures, and asked His students to read only
    His book.
    15 Although there are only ten commandments, most of his students didn’t pass
    His tests.
    16 His meetings were at irregular hours, and usually took place on a mountain
    top.

  11. relig. joke Says:

    Baseball as a religion:

    1 Adventists have a seventh-inning stretch.
    2 Amish walk a lot.
    3 Anglicans gave the Catholics a reign check.
    4 Atheists refuse to have an Umpire.
    5 Baha’is think everyone should play.
    6 Baptists want to play hardball.
    7 Buddhists don’t believe anyone is keeping score.
    8 Calvinists believe the game is fixed.
    9 Catholics make a shortstop in purgatory before sliding into home.
    10 Communists are out in left field.
    11 Episcopalians pass the plate.
    12 Evangelicals make effective pitches.
    13 Fundamentalists balk.
    14 Hindus go around the bases many, many times before reaching home.
    15 Jehovah’s Witnesses are thrown out often.
    16 Jews in general are waiting for wholesale tickets.
    17 Law and Order crowd believes three strikes and you’re in.
    18 Lutherans believe they can’t win, but trust the Scorekeeper.
    19 Materialists think the diamond is forever.
    20 Mormon teams sign on all their relatives.
    21 Natives circle the bases.
    22 One player refused to shave (Sikh) and he was fined.
    23 Orthodox Christians always have a no-hitter: They turn the other cheek.
    24 Pagans sacrifice.
    25 Premillenialists expect the game to be called soon on account of eternal darkness.
    26 Quakers won’t swing.
    27 Sabeans are stuck on first base.
    28 Taoists think the rules are restrictive.
    29 Televangelists get caught stealing.
    30 The Lions couldn’t touch Daniel leaving the Jews up one.
    31 The Pope claims never to have committed an error.
    32 The Sufi base umpire was relieved because he was deep in thought and missed a call.
    33 Unitarians can catch anything.
    34 When Catholics steal a base, they have to go to confession after the game.
    35 Yogi Berra says, “It ain’t over till it’s over.”

  12. ogooluwa Says:

    pastor: who will like to go to heaven?
    everyone in church raised their hands except alittle girl.
    pastor: mary, why dont you want to go to heaven?
    mary: becos my mum says i must come home immediately after service.

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