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Women

Jokes about women. They are pretty and they are smart. Wipe that smile off your face.

12 Jokes to “Women”

  1. a man Says:

    25 reasons why beer is better than woman.

    1. Hangovers go away.
    2. Beer is never late.
    3. Beer is always wet.
    4. Beer stains wash out.
    5. Beer never gets a headache.
    6. A beer always goes down easy.
    7. A frigid beer is a good beer.
    8. Beer doesn’t demand equality.
    9. You can have a beer in public.
    10. A beer doesn’t care when you come.
    11. You can enjoy a beer all month long.
    12. You don’t have to wine and dine beer.
    13. You can share a beer with your friends.
    14. A beer label comes off without a fight.
    15. When your beer goes flat, you toss it out.
    16. If you change beers you don’t have to pay alimony .
    17. You always know you’re the first one to pop a beer.
    18. You don’t have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
    19. Beer doesn’t get jealous when you grab another beer.
    20. If you pour a beer right, you’ll always get good head.
    21. After you’ve had a beer, the bottle is still worth 5 cents.
    22. You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty.
    23. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
    24. A beer won’t get upset if you come home and have another beer.
    25. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play baseball.

  2. admin Says:

    Dear Husband:

    I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you for good.
    I’ve been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.

    These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

    Last week, you came home and didn’t notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new
    negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game.

    You don’t tell me you love me anymore, you don’t touch me or anything. Either you’re cheating or you don’t love me anymore, whatever the case is, I’m gone.

    P.S. If you’re trying to find me, don’t. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
    Your Ex-wife

    Dear Ex-wife:
    Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn’t work.

    I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing
    that came to mind was “You look just like a man!” My mother raised me to not say anything if you can’t say anything nice.

    When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

    I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed seventy dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $69.99.

    After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.
    So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for eight million dollars, I
    quit my job and bought us two tickets to Aruba. But when I got home you were gone.

    Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said, with your letter that you wrote, you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.

    P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born
    Carla. I hope that’s not a problem.

    Signed,
    Rich and Free

  3. Anonymous Says:

    The Top 10 Reasons Why a Handgun is Better Than a Woman

    #10 – You can trade an old .44 for two new .22s.

    #9 – If you admire a friend’s handgun, and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

    #8 – Your primary handgun doesn’t mind if you have a backup.

    #7 – You can keep one handgun at home and have another for when you’re on the road.

    #6 – Handguns function normally every day of the month.

    #5 – Your handgun will stay with you even if you’re out of ammo.

    #4 – A handgun doesn’t ask “Do these new grips make me look fat?”

    #3 – A handgun doesn’t take up a lot of closet space.

    #2 – A handgun doesn’t mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

    AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY THAT A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN . . .
    You can buy a silencer for a handgun.

  4. Anonymous Says:

    In days of old, when knights were bold, this particular knight was leaving for a crusade and called one of his squires: “I’m leaving for the crusade. Here is the key to my wife’s chastity belt. If, in 8 years, I haven’t returned, you may use the key as I’m sure she will have needs.”

    The knight sets out on the dusty road, armored from head to toe. He takes one last look at his castle and sees the squire rushing across the drawbridge, yelling, “Stop! Stop! Thank goodness I was able to catch you. This is the wrong key.”

  5. Reasons Why It's Great to Be a Girl Says:

    * Free dinners.
    * A new lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life.
    * Brad Pitt.
    * If anything on your body isn’t as big as it should be, you can get implants.
    * If the person you’re dating is much better at something than you are, you don’t have to break up with him.
    * If you’re a lousy athlete, you don’t have to question your worth as a human being.
    * If you’re dumb, some people will find it cute.
    * If you’re not making enough money, you can blame the glass ceiling.
    * If you’re not very attractive, you can fool ’em with makeup.
    * If you’re under 6′, you don’t have to lie about it.
    * If you ARE bald, people will think you did it on purpose, and you’re really chic.
    * If you don’t shave, no one will know.
    * If you have big ears, no one has to know.
    * If you have to be home in time for Ally McBeal, you can say so, out loud.
    * If you marry someone 20 years younger, you know you look like an idiot.
    * If you pick up the check once in a while, that’s plenty.
    * If you think the person your dating really likes you, you don’t have to break up with him.
    * If you use self-tanner, it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re a big loser.
    * In high school, you never had to walk down the hall with your binder strategically positioned.
    * Sitting and watching people is all the entertainment you need.
    * Sometimes, chocolate truly can solve all your problems.
    * Speeding ticket? What’s that?
    * When you get a million catalogues in the mail, it’s a good thing.
    * When you take off your shoes, nobody passes out.
    * You’ll never discover you’ve been fooled by a Wonderbra.
    * You’ll never have to blow 2 months salary on anything.
    * You’ll never have to decide where to hide your nose-hair clippers.
    * You’ll never regret piercing your ears.
    * You’re rarely compelled to scream at the TV.
    * You actually get extra points for sitting on your butt, watching sports.
    * You and your friends don’t have to get totally wasted in order to share your feelings.
    * You can be attracted to someone just because they’re really funny.
    * You can borrow your spouse’s clothes and it doesn’t mean you belong on Jerry Springer
    * You can cry without pretending there’s something in your contact.
    * You can dress yourself.
    * You can fully assess someone just by looking at his or her shoes.
    * You can tell which glass was yours by the lipstick mark.
    * You could possibly live your whole life without ever taking a group shower.
    * You don’t have hair on your back.
    * You don’t have to fart to amuse yourself.
    * You don’t have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
    * You don’t have to pretend to like cigars.
    * Your friend won’t think you’re weird when you ask if there’s spinach in your teeth.
    * Your hair is yours to keep.

  6. Anonymous Says:

    One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few beers. They start talking and come to realize that they’re both doctors. After about an hour, the man says to the woman, “Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight. No strings attached. It’ll just be one night of fun.” The woman doctor agrees to it.

    So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she’s about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 12 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so.

    Afterwards, the man says to the woman, “You’re a surgeon, aren’t you?” “Yeah, how did you know?” The man says, “I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started.” “Oh, that makes sense”, says the woman. ” You’re an anesthesiologist aren’t you?” “Yeah”, says the man , a bit surprised. “How did you know?” The woman answers, “Because I didn’t feel a thing.”

  7. You dun nid 2 know Says:

    A teenage college guy sent a love letter (in Q/A format) to his classmate.

    My Dearest Ishaa,

    Please answer the following questionnaire. For Options

    (A) 10 marks,
    (b) 5marks and
    (c) 3 marks.
    **********

    1) Whenever you enter the class room, your sight always falls on me because:

    (a) of love
    (b) you couldn’t control seeing me
    (c) really … Am I doing it?
    **********

    2) Whenever professor cracks joke, you laugh and turn and look at me because:

    (a) you always like to see me smiling
    (b) you are testing whether I like jokes
    (c) you are attracted by my smile
    **********

    3) When you were singing in the class, I entered and immediately you stopped singing because:

    (a) you are so coy to sing before me
    (b) my presence influenced you
    (c) you feared that whether I’ll like your song
    **********

    4) When you were showing your childhood photo, when I asked for it, you hide it because:

    (a) you felt ashamed
    (b) you felt uneasy
    (c) you don’t know
    **********

    5) During trekking, myself and my friend gave you hand for lifting you and you took only my friend’s because:

    (a) you enjoyed my disappointment
    (b) you won’t feel leaving my hand after grabbing
    (c) you don’t know
    **********

    6) You were waiting yesterday for bus and didn’t get into your bus…

    (a) you were waiting for me
    (b) you were dreaming about me and didn’t notice the bus
    (c) that bus was crowded
    **********

    7) You introduced me to your parents when they came to college because:

    (a) I am going to be your groom
    (b) you just want to know what your parents think about me
    (c) just you felt like introducing me to them
    **********

    8) I told that I like girls wearing roses. Next day, you came with a rose on your head because:

    (a) to fulfill my wish
    (b) you like roses
    (c) by chance you got a rose
    **********

    9) On that day, it was my birthday. You too came to temple early at 6:00 A.M because:

    (a) you want to pray along with me
    (b) you want to meet me before any one could meet on my birthday
    (c) you want to wish me at temple because you are spiritual.
    **********

    If you have scored more than 40, then you are loving me. Don’t delay in expressing it.

    If you have scored between 30 and 40, love is budding in your heart and it’s getting ready to bloom. If you have scored less than 30, you are in confusion whether to love me or not.

    Eagerly awaiting your reply..

    Love , Aanshu

    ************ *********

    Ishaa’s reply letter was also in Q/A format ……..

    Aanshu ,

    Please answer the following Yes/No questionnaire.
    **********

    1) If somebody sits in the first row, normally people entering the class, sees them.

    (a) Yes (b) No
    **********

    2) If a girl laughs and looks anyone, is it love?

    (a) Yes (b) No
    **********

    3) While singing, if somebody forgets lines of the songs, will he/she stop singing or not?

    (a) Yes (b) No
    **********

    4) I was showing to my friends (who are all girls) my childhood photo.

    You poked your nose inside….. Right ?

    (a) Yes (b) No
    **********

    5) I avoided to hold your hand during trekking. Couldn’t you understand yet?

    (a) Yes (b) No
    **********

    6) Should I not wait for my best friend ( Anjali ) at the bus stand?

    (a)Yes (b) No
    **********

    7) Shouldn’t I introduce you to my parents as a friend?

    (a) Yes (b) No
    **********

    8) You have said you also like Lotus, cauliflower, banana’s flower. Is it true ?

    (a) Yes (b) No
    **********

    9) Oh was that your birthday. That’s why I could see you in temple. I come daily to Temple . Do you know ?

    (a) Yes (b) No

    If you have answered “Yes” to any of the question, then I am not loving you. If you have answered “No”, then you don’t know the meaning of Love.

    Hope everything is clear to you .

  8. single Says:

    Women vocabulary:

    *Nothing* – The calm before the storm. This means “Something” and you better be on your toes. Note: Arguments that start with “Nothing” usually end with “Fine” (See below).

    *Fine* – I am right. This argument is over. You need to shut up.

    *That’s Okay* – One of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. “That’s okay” means she wants to think hard and long before deciding when and how you’ll pay for your mistake.

    *Thanks* – A woman is thanking you. Do not question this or faint. Just say, “You’re welcome,” and let it go.

    *5 Minutes* – If getting dress, this means at least an hour. (Don’t be mad about this. It’s the same definition for you when it’s your turn to do some chores around the house. )

    *Loud Sigh* – Not actually a word but rather a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. It means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is standing here wasting her time arguing with you about “Nothing.” (See #1)

    *Don’t worry about it*, I got it – The second most dangerous statement a woman can make. It means that a woman has asked a man several times to do something and is now doing it herself. (This will result in you asking at a later date, “What’s wrong?” For the woman’s response, see #1.)

    *Go Ahead* – This is a dare, not permission. (Don’t Do It!)

  9. admin Says:

    That wasn’t a joke at all. It was the plain truth!

  10. Housecleaning Hints Says:

    — Windows: Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a
    helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an
    SPF factor of fifteen and leave it alone.

    — Cobwebs: Artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the
    bulb,thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If someone points out
    that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look confused and exclaim
    “What? And spoil the mood?” (Or just throw glitter on them and call
    them holiday decorations.)

    — Pet Hair: Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the
    doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing
    hand-sewn play animals for underprivileged children. (Also keeps out
    cold drafts in winter.)

    — Guests: If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly
    into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your
    tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, “I’d
    love you to see our den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the
    shots are SO expensive.”

    — Dusting: If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy
    urn on the coffee table and insist that “This is where Grandma wanted
    us to scatter her ashes.”

    — General Cleaning: Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household
    cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air
    lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an
    exhausted look, throw yourself on the couch and sigh, I clean and I
    clean and I still don’t get anywhere.” As a last resort, light the
    oven, throw a teaspoon of cinnamon in a pie pan, turn off oven and
    explain that you have been baking cookies for a bake sale for a
    favorite charity and haven’t had time to clean… Works every time.

    — Another favorite, I think from Erma Bombeck: Always keep several
    get-well cards on the mantle so if unexpected guests arrive, you can
    say you’ve been sick and unable to clean.

  11. hand some Says:

    1 – “Oh, nothing,” has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man- language.
    2 – A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a bo ok, or get the mail.
    3 – All women are overweight by definition; don’t agree with them about it. Women always have 4 kg to lose, but don’t bring this up unless they really have 4 kg to gain.
    4 – If a man goes on a one-week trip, he’ll pack four days worth of clothes and will wear some things twi ce; if a woman goes on a one-week trip she’ll pack 23 outfits because she doesn’t know what she’ll feel like we aring each day.
    5 – If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their re ar, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys.(which gets them in more trouble)
    6 – If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversati on by asking, “What did you do?”
    7 – It’s okay for women to dance with each other and not be gay, You don’t see straight men dancing togeth er.
    8 – Lewis Carroll’s Caterpillar had nothing on women.
    9 – Only women understand the reason for “guest towels” and the “good china”.
    10 – Origin of the word “woman” is: “woo-man”.
    11 – PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter. (Or at least men think it means that. PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse.
    12 – The average number of items in a typical woman’s bathroom is 512. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
    13 – The first naked man a women see is “Ken”.
    14 – The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal part y. You don’t hear men say, “Oh-my-GOD, there’s another man wearing a black tux, get me outta here!”
    15 – Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you’ll have a pretty good idea about how she’ll be in bed.
    16 – Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.
    17 – Women are insecure about their weight, butt and breast sizes.
    18 – Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man’s responsibility, “It’s there in the Bible”. Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?
    19 – Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modeling.
    20 – Women brush their hair before bed.
    21 – Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.
    22 – Women can’t keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don’t view it as being untr ustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.
    23 – Women can’t refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she’s doing. It might be the lottery call ing.
    24 – Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.
    25 – Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, ‘How do I look?’
    26 – Women do not know anything about cars. “Oil- stick, oil doesn’t stick?”
    27 – Women don’t need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more physical for men and more emotio nal for women. Just knowing that the man wants to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need.
    28 – Women don’t really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don’t see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you?
    29 – Women don’t try as hard as men during sex; after all, they don’t fall asleep afterwards.
    30 – Women don’t understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape realit y. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things could be.
    31 – Women especially love a bargain. The question of “need” is irrelevant, so don’t bother pointing it ou t. Anything on sale is fair game.
    32 – Women fake orgasm because men fake foreplay.
    33 – Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there’s a spider or a wasp involve d.
    34 – Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet. Men just get a large bowl to sh are.
    35 – Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a woman showe rs, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.
    36 – Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.
    37 – Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel like they’re actually in control.
    38 – Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning h ome, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
    39 – Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothi ng to say.

  12. hand some Says:

    Sorry I forgot last 10:

    40 – Women need to cry. And they won’t do it alone unless they know you can hear them.
    41 – Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That’s why soap operas and Oprah Win frey-type shows are so successful.
    42 – Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they “left the seat up” instead of taking two seconds and lowering it them selves.
    43 – Women never have anything to wear. Don’t question the racks of clothes in the closet; you “just don’t understand”.
    44 – Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn’t need toys if women had an “on/off” switch.
    45 – Women think all beer is the same.
    46 – Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the draft to cover the resp onsibilities that go with those rights. All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, t aking out the trash, and picking up the check.
    47 – Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilt y.
    48 – Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.
    49 – Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.
    50 – Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they’ll go out and spend more time checking out other women. Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women.

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